forever

Yesterday I walked by the room she died in and I saw that my whispers are still under the bed.

And now I'm leaving more whispers, placing them carefully, the I love yous and the remember whens. I don't want this room to become a memory, too. But we all know that this is the last summer.
I try to find the compassion and sweetness everyone says I inherited from her, but it's been missing. I try to find that place where I'm strong, but that's missing, too. I try to tell them what I'm feeling, but my words are wrong.

I just want to know that goodbye doesn't mean forever.

honesty

It's funny that I can call myself a grown woman. I have to now, if I want to claim everything I've done as my own.
And it's funny, that as a grown woman, I still can't seem to be honest. It was always easy to convince myself that if maybe I just told the truth, I'd be an honest person. But that's not honesty.
Instead of facing the frightening or uncomfortable things in life, I've learned to evade it all and stay withdrawn. In some ways it's become easier. The distance helps. In other ways, I wonder how I've maintained relationships this long.
I could say everything. I feel the honesty in my mouth sometimes, but my voice carries it away with sarcasm or roughness or dismissal.
To me, honest people are the bravest people in the world.

don't you let me go tonight

sometimes i wish romance wasn't so foreign to me.

love, to me, isn't something precious and fragile. or even beautiful. to me, it's strength and trust and and comfort and honesty, visited with nice moments. normally i don't mind my rough version of love, but there are some nights when i wish i understood romance and that i could handle the delicate nature of it.

it's songs like "tonight" by lykke li that make me want that. don't you let me go, let me go tonight. don't you let me go, let me go tonight. god, it's passionate and sad and fragile and beautiful. but sometimes i wonder if that type of love doesn't exist unless it's pushed by sadness. it's that epic love, that fighting-together-forever, that is born from tragedy. when you're in love, the smallest things can become tragedies, and somehow, that's beautiful.

so i suppose i don't want to understand romance. i just want to know that love can exist without the constant sorrow and pain that seems to glamorize it.

bring me here

it's that sawdusted spirit, those cigarette breaths, that sun-dried skin that brought me here. it's that simple passion, those story-telling eyes, that stormy laughter that keep me alive.
and sometimes all i can do is smile and walk away even when no one else will stay.