I cannot want you with all my heart

i
"How rarely do we see people living, or for that matter, creating by them."

.Yellow walls, purple curtains, red couch. Knowing there are cities and stories there, somewhere. Holding on to the days we live. The days we really live. Fighting to never forget them.

ii
"What are the best things and worst things in your life, and when are you going to get around to whispering or shouting about them?"

.The worst: wanting, failing, losing what you loved, isolation, wondering why they don't care to listen anymore. The best: laughter, kindness, family, beauty in the unexpected, comfort and strength in being alone.
.WHISPERING. shouting.

iii
"What do you love most in the world? The big and little things, I mean. A trolley car, a pair of tennis shoes? These, at one time when we were children, were invested with magic for us."

.The smell of an old book, a favorite baseball glove, sharing a blanket and a room and a story, grapefruit at night, the lake in the morning before everyone else is awake, the air in Pompeii, the rooftops in Venice, the rocks at Zion, the spices in New Orleans, listening to a life-changing song with someone who understands.

iv
"What do you want more than anything else in the world? What do you love, or what do you hate? Find a character, like yourself, who will want something or not want something, with all his heart."

.He wants to be the music that makes people breathe slower, makes them remember. She wants to save the people around her again, she wants to be hope. He loves to hate. She hates to love. He wants to pull fame out from the elementary school hallways and shake it out. She doesn't want to believe in ghosts forever, she wants to live.

[Quotes from Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury]

3:02 - 4:35

Fear; revisited.

A year ago, I was on top of the world. It was all possibilities and late nights and awards and love. Now, it's stagnancy and shaky hope and confronting my fears (not because I want to, but because I have to.)

My fears have been showing up almost every day now, always new and more intimidating. Some people say that's life, they say it'll never end. I hope it's making me stronger and that I won't be afraid forever.

I met one fear when I opened that first letter: now I can move on. I met one at an afternoon party and introduced myself: now I'm not tormented. I met one when I felt that pain in my chest: now I can breathe. I met one late at night dreaming beside me: now I can sleep.

A year ago, I was terrified. Of losing my world, my foundation, my future. Now, I realize that I can have everything that matters, I just can't stop fighting for it. I never considered myself much of a fighter, but I can be. Now I've got to be.